The Bro's Guide To Making Sure Your Ex Is Still Horny For You And Doesn't Know You Live In Your car

By Aaron Atkins

Whats up, king. The year is 2020 and caring about what chicks think of you is some real simp bullshit. Unless that chick is Sarah, cuz she had the locker combo to your heart and we both know that. Violating your parole and losing your job at GNC is one thing, but you will NOT lose your self respect. You were the best she ever had and SHE NEEDS TO REMEMBER THAT. Here are five quick tips to make sure she is still horny for you and doesn’t find out you live in your car now.

1. Block her on everything

She won’t know how invested she was in your workouts until she can’t even see them if she tried. This seems like a no brainer, but don’t forget to block her photography account, best friend, and little sister. The more she misses out, the thirstier she’ll get.

2. Gaslight her friends

You know her friend that was always talking about “feminism” or whatever? Yeah she’s definitely talking shit about you right now. Why should she believe her over you? What, cuz you’re a guy? That sounds kinda sexist if you ask me...

3. When referring to parking meters use professional language such as “landlord”

We both know you lost everything when you went back to the slammer for violating parole on that smart ass homeless guy but she doesn’t know that! Uber is a respectable trade, but change your facebook to “works from home.”

4. Always show up for parole meetings

Seriously.

5. Park at Walmart

Walmart lets everyone park in their parking lots overnight if they need a place to stay. This is a double upside for you, because it's a great place to start your job search every morning due to the high turnover rate.